Friday Night Lights

TBA and I are sitting at the end of the bar at Cues enjoying a beer and the USF/WVA game. Lots of fumbles, and there are lots of fumbles in the game, too.

Tershack just hacked my email and sent me a nasty anti-Sasquatch Sweaters email to myself. He's just adding fuel to my fantasy players fire.

This post comes courtesy of Cliff Clavin.

Survivor Results after the Monster Mile - Week 2

Wow. That's about all I have today. Wow. Our number 1 and 2 picks are both eliminated in the second race. Wow. Retardation ruined Hamlin's day (more on that later) and mechanical failure ruined Kenseth's. Wow. With the loss of Matt Kenseth, Scott Mann is the first entry eliminated. Once again, the first pick curse stops an otherwise great entry early in the session.

The race, you ask? What did I think, you ask? Well, where do I start.....

Lets start with Tony Stewart tearing up his equipment making a point to Paul Menard in the first 30 minutes of the race. What are you thinking. You need solid finishes if you expect to contend for a championship, Smoke. It was tough enough to avoid wrecks on the track on Sunday, you don't need to make your own on Pit Road.

Next up, Denny Hamlin. I have lost all respect for him. You had a fast car. A really fast car, as a matter of fact. You got stupid impatient, wrecked the 45, and took both of you out. It irritates me to hear Crusty Wallace's supposed unbiased commentary. He never lays blame on anyone. Grow a pair, Blue Douche. Hamlin outright wrecked the 45. Its OK to admit it to the TV audience. You don't have to ride the fence.

This mishap graced me with my favourite racing post-wreck tradition. The driver garage confrontation. I love it. Its like the weigh-in for a heavyweight match. Neither guy has balls enough to throw a punch. They stand, chest out, posturing, waiting like a seventh grader for the other guy to back down. I love this stuff. I loved when Kyle Petty yanked down the window net to say not-so nice things (I could read some pretty R-rated stuff on his lips) to Denny. I think Denny deserved it. I read an article this morning (I'd have linked to it, but I can't find it now) saying how Petty should move over and let the Chase guys race and all that crap. Listen. To all of you who think the championship is so goddamn important, maybe you should take your 12 precious drivers and run a 12 car race. How interesting would that be? Huh? Idiots. Kyle Petty fields a decent team every week. So does the 96 and the 10 and the 78, and the 21 (I can go on). They deserve to run their cars around the track, gain experience, gain exposure, just like the 12 guys vying for a championship. I hate you fucking assholes that forget about the other 31 cars on the track. That's what makes the whole deal fun to watch. You can play with yourself or play with someone else - your choice.

OK, on to other race stuff. The #31 was sooooo lucky. I am actually working on a couple conspiracy theories from this past race, and number one is that NASCAR didn't want one of their Chase cars laps down early in this race. They threw a debris caution as soon as Burton fell a lap down. He gets the free pass. During pit stops a #55 crew member is hurt. Race resumes. Burton goes a lap down a couple cautions later and.... BAM, Caution so the injured gas man can be driven to the hospital. Nice. He ended up taking a bad car and finishing in the top 10. I shouldn't complain.

Conspiracy #2. Carl Edwards. First off, I want to start by saying I am beginning to like Carl "Pope" Edwards. I like that he gives his trophies to sick kids. I like that he is the clean-cut guy. I like that he wins. I still hate the back flip. Anyway, I believe the they cheated this week. I think that car was low on both sides. I think the #16 (a team-mate, remember) jacked him up after the race to break whatever they were cheating with and to throw off the officials. Furthermore, I think it was no coincidence that Carl lost his balance and fell on the roof during post-race, to further confuse the officials. Its been like 4 years since they outlawed the roof celebration, and he's the first guys I have ever seen "accidentally" dent the roof since. Nope, this ain't a coincidence. This is Roush cheating. I don't really mind, I just don't want anyone to think we are dumb enough as racing fans to believe its all a coincidence.

On a side note, I am sick of trademark celebrations. Climbing the fence is a gay to me as the Pope's back flips. C'mon, is this the WWF now? Do we recognize drivers by their post-race moves? What ever happened to guys doing something new every time they won? At this point, I can turn off the TV as soon as I see who won because I know what the douchebag is going to do next. I want to see guys rip off some sick break-dancing moves at the start/finish line, or show up in victory lane with their motor coach. C'mon, lets make this interesting. If you're going to put on a show, don't give me the same act every week. Change it up a bit.

OK maybe I'm asking for too much. I also wanted R. Lee Ermey to air-drop in to give the command to start engines and I didn't get that.

OK, here's your results. I gotta get upstairs - big TV night tonight:

Eliminated Drivers:

NHIS - 1. #40 David Stremme (Scott Mann)
NHIS - 2. #01 Mark Martin/Regan Smith (Joe Yu)
Dover - 3. #11 Denny Hamlin (Carol Yu)
Dover - 4. #17 Matt Kenseth (Scott Mann) ELIMINATED

Remaining Drivers:

#20 Tony Stewart (Joe Yu)
#48 Jimmy Johnson (Ken Ross)
#24 Jeff Gordon (Steve Shaffer)
#99 Carl Edwards (Mike Inskeep)DOVER WINNER
#2 Kurt Busch (Curtis Krakowski)
#8 Dale Earnhardt Jr. (Jeff Terschak)
#1 martin Truex Jr. (Greg Osborne)
#5 Kyle Busch (Jon Lommerin)
#31 Jeff Burton (Pat Thornton)
#29 Kevin Harvick (Susie Mikesell)
#9 Kasey Kahne(Susie Mikesell)
#07 Clint Bowyer (Pat Thornton) NHIS WINNER
#12 Ryan Newman (Jon Lommerin)
#16 Greg Biffle (Greg Osborne)
#25 Casey Mears (Jeff Terschak)
#43 Bobby Labonte (Curtis Krakowski)
#26 Jaime McMurray (Mike Inskeep)
#18 J.J. Yeley (Steve Shaffer)
#42 Juan Pablo Montoya (Ken Ross)
#6 David Ragan (Carol Yu)

Week two - Fantasy Football Experiment

Monkey Steals Peach

Well, week two resulted in a balanced record for both teams. The Sasquatch Sweaters took a loss to Monkey Steals Peach. We ran the score up, but I couldn't keep pace with Terry's team. It came down to Monday Night's game and I needed a monster performance from Clinton Portis and got squat. 1-1-0 in the Warner's Whackos league.

On the other side of the fantasy world, my maintenance-free team in the Eastside Playa's League wound up with a solid victory. Who'd a thunk it.

This week I take on Tony's Super Techmo Bowl. He's 0-2-0 to start the season. Lets hope I don't take a dump this week.

SMP Racing Results after NHIS

Session 3 Race 1/10

1. Mike 219
2. Shelley 213
3. KKY 213
4. Carol 211
5. Hau Ling 211
6. TBA 192
7. Scott 189
8. Tod 189
9. Patrick 189
10. Joe 181
11. Lui 180
12. Jon 174
13. Anthony 157
14. Cheryl 154
15. Greg 152

Mike starts off Session 3 with the lead on lap 1. Shelley, KKY, and Hau Ling, are letting everyone see their 'yellow rookie stripes' as the rest of the field plays catch up. Greg Tomsich rejoins us for Session 3, having sat out of Session 2, and resumes his starting position at the back of the field.

With 15 entries, I've decided to add two more payouts. YIPPEEE! That's right, now 3 people can win money.

1st - $100
2nd - $40
3rd - $10

Race Recap: Sylvania 300 at NHIS

Guess what? I didn't see it! Yep, that's right...ya see, we were in Vegas and there was lots of gamblin' goin' on. I forget what the odds were on Clint Bowyer, but I was going to bet on Tony Stewart. I decided not to place a bet and watch football all afternoon...and watch my money disappear, on football, all afternoon! Now if I was any kind of 'gamblin' man' I would have put my money on Bowyer because it rhymes with 'Warrior' (sort of). That my friends I won on...er...had I played it straight up! The problem was Louisville! Those overrated bastards lost to Kentucky and screwed me out of $240 on my four game ticket! Which proves to me that Colt Brennan is the better quarterback over Brian Brohm. Colt threw 2 TD's and rushed for 3 more TD's trouncing UNLV 49-14! Yep, the same UNLV, on the same field a week ago, that lost to #9 Wisconsin by 7 points with 1:30 left to go in the game. Either the Big Ten sucks this year, or the Warriors are for real! Ah Vegas! I love it! Only because I came home with more money than I left with...thanks to '18 red' and '6 black' and my favorite slot machine 'Monopoly'!!! Loved the cheap buffets too...even the local Police Department had some sort of breakfast special goin' on! Driving past you could see people holding signs saying 'FREE O.J.!'...no shit! Only in Vegas! 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas'...bullshit! I won money and I brought it home! Anyways, Clint Bowyer wins, Warriors win, Buckeyes win, Browns win, Scottie wins and now it's off to Dover and the 'Monster Mile'.

In the news: Dale Jr. gets #88 next year. So are two 8's better than one? Not when they're that UGLY!!! Good lord, it's like having an ugly set of twins!

Terrill Owens was fined by the NFL for his touchdown celebration mocking the NE Patriots. The NFL said it was for 'improper use of a football'...hmmm, thank God Jamie McMurray and Michael Waltrip are in NASCAR, or they would be 'paying out the ass'!And finally, O.J. Simpson was arrested in Las Vegas for trying to rob his own stuff back. Huh?...That's like being at home and jerking off in the middle of the night and not knowing if you should stay for breakfast or get dressed and leave...it just doesn't make sense.

Until next week,
Scott

Vandelay - Game 2

Well, we dropped game 2 this week to "Shake and Bake" Our patented swiss-cheese defense gave up some serious yardage while the offense struggled again. I actually don't mind losing, but I do mind losing to a group of douchebags that complain about calls when they are up by four scores. These Ass-clowns were good, but not good enough to earn my respect.

On a positive note, the ref pulled us aside after the game to tell us he always pulls for a Vandelay win. This isn't the first time I've heard this from a CP Official. I guess after almost 8 years in the league, we have established ourselves as the "Good Guys". Now, if only that translated into some wins.

The team is lacking something this year. I really believe that having MC and Shawn Ross out this year is hurting us. MC is always a sure-handed receiver, and Shawn's leadership on D is important. Maybe its just rust from a year off.

Next week we have a pre-noon game. This is never good, even at the 11:00 hour. I will look forward to some hangovers and some late players. At least no one has puked on the field yet this year.

God Bless R Lee Ermey!!

Big day in NASCAR today. Junior announced his new sponsor and number finally. After weeks of speculation over what digits would adorn Dale's HMS Chevy next year we found out (in my case, via webcast at the office - shhh, I probably used 90% of our bandwidth for about 45 minutes today) that the historic #88 is the magic number.

Now, I understand the rationale. All those Dale Jr. fans out there really wanted him in the #8, or in a car with the #8 on it. I also realize that the #81 and some other "8's" were available, but I consider this move disappointing, albeit genius. First of all, don't get me wrong, I love the #88. As a matter of fact, I think the #88 won the very first NASCAR race that I can remember (1981 Daytona 500 - Bobby Allison's #88 Gatorade Machine) But Junior's move just downright befuddles me.

I was really looking forward to a change. A new beginning of sorts. Lets face it, 99% of Junior fans were seeing double 8's when they were at the track anyway. The stinking number is even red. Its also not exactly the most impressive design (I though the old 8 was a very classy, simple design). It looks like a font right out of Paint Shop Pro or something. Its fat and slow. I guess I can live with it, as long as Junior stays classy and doesn't disrespect the history of the double eights.

In happier news, Sensei of all Doucebags, rodent-esque David Spade has thankfully cancelled his appearance as race Grand Marshall at this weekends Cup race. How do you make up for booking a complete ass-monkey to the most prestigious honorary positions at a Cup race, you ask? Fill in with the manliest man on the freaking planet. Yep, R. Lee Ermey. Although some suit is going to give the command to start engines, I am planning on closing my eyes and imagining good 'ole Sargent Hartman barking something like "Maggots! and the Queer in the 26 car: Start your Engines!!!" Dammit, we are lucky to live on the same planet as this guy.

Speaking of luck, I found a $20 outside Chipotle yesterday. Just laying on the asphalt between my car and the Land Rover parked next to me (OK, maybe it was sort of under the Land Rover-but it was definitely in fair territory) In typical Jeff Terschak style, he suggested we go back into the restaurant and see if anyone dropped it. Yeah, right. Instead, I spent the afternoon snapping the crisp bill in his face.

Survivor Results after NHIS - Week 1

Week one proved to be more interesting that I expected. The race? Sorry, but this late in the week I can't be expected to remember every detail, but I do remember a few things:

1. The 07 car got his first victory. Nice work. It sounded like Bowyer was hearing every noise in the car. Now, I'm no race car driver, but I can sympathize. About 2 weeks ago I was pushing the RX-8 to the edge of its engineering limits on Lake Road in Bay Village. I had her humming right along and I could hear every bump and creak in the car. Of course in my case I was only travelling at 35 mph and only pushing the limits of the gas tank (which I found by the way at about 4:30 in front of Huntington Park. Lucked out - a AAA guy was in the parking lot helping some cotton-top who locked her keys in the car). At any rate, when you get close to success over and over and end up short, you begin to doubt your capabilities, or those of your tools. I would have been just as worried as ole' Clint.

2. Kurt Busch drives slow to a 25th place victory. 7 cylinders. They should give Michael Waltrip only 7 cylinders. Maybe he'd get up into the top 35 in points and start making races.

3. All 43 cars finished the race for the first time in like 20 years or something. That's a great stat. Even more surprising is that Montoya was in the race and that stat stood up. He rubbed all afternoon, but on the slower Loudon pavement, no one was going fast enough to get wrecked by him. At the same time, we have to ask - if Michael Waltrip had made the race would there be 43 cars at the finish??? Hmmm....

Now, on to the Survivor results. I was feeling pretty guilty about letting Joe make the mistake of taking Mark Martin. Yeah, right up until the end of the race. I had decided that since I've provided some level of involuntary consultation for peoples drafts in the past, that I'd allow Joe to get credit for the 01 car THIS RACE. Of course, then the 01 car winds up one of the worst 2 finishes. Then I thought, what if he had Robby Gordon (his next draft selection) in lieu of the 01 car. Well, he'd still have been eliminated. Joe, I'll say it again, at least you have Stewart.

The other elimination was Scott Mann's David Stremme. Like about 4 other cars this weekend, the #40 mysteriously ran out of fuel on pit road and couldn't get re-fired. After dropping back almost 30 laps, he finally got it running. Too bad. I actually believe that could have been a solid sleeper pick.

OK, here's the standings after Loudon (NHIS):

Eliminated Drivers:

NHIS - 1. #40 David Stremme (Scott Mann)
NHIS - 2. #01 Mark Martin/Regan Smith (Joe Yu)

Remaining Drivers

#17 Matt Kenseth (Scott Mann)
#11 Denny Hamlin (Carol Yu)
#20 Tony Stewart (Joe Yu)
#48 Jimmy Johnson (Ken Ross)
#24 Jeff Gordon (Steve Shaffer)
#99 Carl Edwards (Mike Inskeep)
#2 Kurt Busch (Curtis Krakowski)
#8 Dale Earnhardt Jr. (Jeff Terschak)
#1 martin Truex Jr. (Greg Osborne)
#5 Kyle Busch (Jon Lommerin)
#31 Jeff Burton (Pat Thornton)
#29 Kevin Harvick (Susie Mikesell)
#9 Kasey Kahne(Susie Mikesell)
#07 Clint Bowyer (Pat Thornton) NHIS WINNER
#12 Ryan Newman (Jon Lommerin)
#16 Greg Biffle (Greg Osborne)
#25 Casey Mears (Jeff Terschak)
#43 Bobby Labonte (Curtis Krakowski)
#26 Jaime McMurray (Mike Inskeep)
#18 J.J. Yeley (Steve Shaffer)
#42 Juan Pablo Montoya (Ken Ross)
#6 David Ragan (Carol Yu)

Survivor 3 - Draft Results

OK folks, We had a slight format change due to the number of entries I received this time. I think you will find it fair and maybe even a little more interesting. If not, go to hell.

Each week we will eliminate the two poorest finishers. We have 12 entries this session, each of you get 2 drivers (relax, I ranked your top 24 by using the list you generated and then tacking on the next 12 drivers based on the current championship standings). You may be sitting at your computer scratching your head over the math, so let me help. We will eliminate 2 drivers per race for the first eight races. (That makes 16 drivers gone, 8 left) We will then eliminate four drivers in race 9 (20 drivers gone, 4 remain) and finally, the highest finish of the 4 remaining drivers in race 10 wins.

OK, now that that nonsense is taken care of, I bet you'd like to see who you got stuck with. At noon today I used a random number generator ( www.mdani.demon.co.uk/para/random.htm ) to generate 12 numbers between 1 and 24 (with no repeats). The order that these 12 numbers were generated was applied to the entries in the order they were received. The draft order was then set as follows:

1. Scott Mann
2. Carol Yu
3. Joe Yu
4. Ken Ross
5. Steve Shaffer
6. Mike Inskeep
7. Curtis Krakowski
8. Jeff Terschak
9. Greg Osborne
10. Jon Lommerin
11. Pat Thornton
12. Susie Mikesell

Looks like we have family bookends in this one, the Yu's on point and the Thornton's playing "Tail-end Charlie". The selections were made in a serpentine draft order to make is somewhat fair, although by the time you get to the 13th selection, pickins' were getting mighty slim.

Anyway, here are the results of the draft.:

Scott Mann - Kenseth / Stremme
Carol Yu - Hamlin / Ragan
Joe Yu - Stewart / Martin
Ken Ross - Johnson / Montoya
Steve Shaffer - Gordon / Yeley
Mike Inskeep - Edwards / McMurray
Curtis Krakowski - Kurt Busch / Labonte
Jeff Terschak - Earnhardt / Mears
Greg Osborne - Truex / Biffle
Jon Lommerin - Kyle Busch / Newman
Pat Thornton - Burton / Bowyer
Susie Mikesell - Harvick / Kahne

Well now. We have some rather interesting draft results.

Scott walks off with the #1 pick, and takes the #17 as a big time sleeper. Only half of the lists had Kenseth in their top 5 choices. A daring selection for Scott. Now he is paired up with Stremme, who has come to life as of late. Lets hope the #40 doesn't cool off turn blue like those fancy new Coors Light cans.

We need to paint a yellow stripe on Mr Terschak, as this is his first NASCAR experience, and he walks away with 2008 teammates Earnhardt Jr. and Casey Mears. Both out of the chase, but both looking for wins this session. Bold move. We will have to see if it pays off.

Jon Lommerin winds up with his most hated driver and his favorite. The yin and the yang of Survivor series. Now he must choose to support Kyle Busch or be eliminated.

Joe Yu makes the most interesting of the picks, taking Mark Martin at number 5 on his selection priority as his second pick. Bold move Mr Yu! Lets hope for your sake he drives all 10 of the races. He is likely to sit at least one or two out. I'd have skipped Martin for you, but you would have just ended up with Robby Gordon next, and I wanted to give you a chance. At least you still have Tony Stewart!

I wound up with my favorite driver and a teammate, with just 1 win between them this year. I can't complain too much, I walked off with 2 of my top 10 choices, and I was the only team with 2 drivers that are in the chase. I'll keep my fingers crossed. My Sister and I were the only 2 teams with 2 of our top 12 drivers - obviously a result of picking close to the bottom of the list and not the result of any chicanery.

Sleepers to watch: Biffle and Newman are starting to heat up and both need to show their sponsors that they deserve their respective rides. Look for consistency with these 2, hopefully for Jon and Greg, that comes with good finishes.

Gotta get upstairs to claim the LCD before an Oprah rerun gets started. The race starting in like 10 minutes.

Good luck.

Week one - Fantasy Football Experiment

For only the second time in my life, I have joined an NFL fantasy football league. Basically, I am NFL retarded. I have absolutely no clue when it comes to this league. That being said, I am undertaking an experiment this year to measure my NFL knowledge, or lack thereof.

Here's how my mad sports scientist, gurgling beaker of stats works. I have joined 2 leagues this year. One with some old college buddies (at least I think they are all people I know - with all the douche-bagesque team names in the league, I am convinced most of them are old frat boy muscleheads with roid rage and homosexual tendencies), and the other is with a group of guys from the office. I will actively participate in the office league, and not in the college league. I know, its not going to be a precise measurement because they are different leagues, but I ain't trying win a Nobel Prize here.

At any rate, I wound up with an average automatic draft in the "East Side Playas 2007" League (see, I told you it was a tough guy thing). My most promising players are probably Addai at RB and Keading at K. I got destroyed like a DQ cake at fat camp last week, 103.08 to 73.88 by "O's SS". This week I take on "BULLDOGZZ", another 0-1 team.

I will only make subs from the bench for injured players, or otherwise benched guys. If I really need to I'll replace a guy via transaction, but only to fill an active position that I don't have a bench player for.

In the "Warner's Whackos" league (see, much more laid back) I drew 8th pick of 8. Thankfully, its hard not to wind up with a talent filled team in an 8 team league. I managed to steal a good roster. Here's my starters as they stand today:

QB - Jon Kitna (I benched Hassleback for the week - hoping for some Lions magic with him an Cal Johnson)
WR - Marvin Harrison, Calvin Johnson, and Javon Walker.
RB - Rudi Johnson and Clinton Portis
TE - Antonio Gates
K - Adam Vinitieri
DEF - Baltimore

Not bad, eh?

Well, I barely took week one thanks to a swiss-cheese like Baltimore defense on Monday night. They were dropping like skirts backstage at a Justin Timberlake concert. Jesus, Ray Lewis got hurt on the first drive. Anyway, Rudi Johnson pulled off just enough for me to win by a fraction, launching me into second place in the league. This week, the Sasquatch Sweaters take on Terry Finney's first place "Monkey Steals Peach". I'm gonna need some good mojo this week.

So, I'll keep you posted on the progress of my hypothesis. I fully expect to be crappy in both leagues, but I may just find the I'm either smarter than I thought, or that a rodent on acid can perform in one of these leagues.

Survivor Resuls after Richmond

Well, once again we have proved that our ingenious Survivor series fantasy setup is the tightest competition down to the last lap of the last race of the session. This time around the #5 and the #31 duked it out down to the last lap (OK, maybe the last few laps). In the end, the #31 pulled 2 positions ahead of the #5 for the championship. Thank god! I cannot imagine awarding anyone for selecting Kyle Busch, especially over Jeff Burton. In 2 sessions, the winner was decided by an average of 1.5 positions.

Congrats to Curtis. You are the last man standing. You are the tallest weed in the garden. You are the oldest guy in the nursing home. The last of the Mohicans. The are the broccoli in a fat guys feast. For that, your entry fee in the next session is free! Aren't I generous.

The race was actually pretty entertaining. There was at least an hour there when I thought 'ole Junior was going to pull it off in that stark white Chevy. OK, I will admit I was pulling for him. Maybe I just like seeing Kurt Busch wrecking, or Harvick overheating. I will tell you that I definitely liked seeing : the #42 trailing flames like the Waltrip Motor Coach leaving a San Fransisco bathhouse.

Well, get your picks in for session 3 ASAP. 12 drivers this time. I'll post the picks up here around the start of the race on Sunday.

Yeah, I'll be watching after all. I had to cancel my trip to Michigan this weekend. And I was going to have the ultimate old guy sports dream story. A 20-year alumni soccer game. Ooooh, the potential glory. I just couldn't stand to drive through the stench in Ann Arbor to get there. No, actually I can't leave Mack behind this weekend in his ridiculous halo. Poor guys eye surgery didn't go to well. I don't know what is tougher, watching him crash into walls with his giant plastic cone, or just knowing that my dog is wearing a giant plastic cone.

Hey, safe travels to Scott and Crew as they go to Vegas to see the Warriors. Sorry we couldn't join you.

Get yer picks in!

SMP Racing Results after Richmond

Session 2 Race 15:

Big Jon has taken the checkered flag! Jon has set a New World's Record for the lowest score in a 15 race/10 driver SMP Racing session of a NASCAR season held from races 12 thru 26 with an astounding 786! Jon also set a new record for "average score per race" in a consecutive 15 race session of a 10 driver team with 52.4! Jon is now $150 taller than everyone else! Carol wins the battle for second with this weeks low of 46. Mike Inskeep and Paul Shaffer were left to battle for the third and fourth spots with Mike edging out Paul S. by ONE point! So it's Jon $150, Carol $75, Mike $50, and Paul S. with $25. Congratulations to the money winners!

1) 786 - Jon
2) 1028 - Carol
3) 1044 - Mike
4) 1045 - P.Shaffer
5) 1100 - TBA
6) 1118 - Patrick
7) 1145 - Scott
8) 1168 - Lui
9,10,11) 1219 - Tod, Anthony, Joe
12) 1278 - Stacey
13) 1306 - Forti
14) 1311 - P. Barrera
15) 1374 - Wayne

Remember Session 3 "The Chase for the Cup" with the "SMP 10 races/$10- Winner Take All Battle Royal Race-apalooza Kiss My Ass KICKASS I'm the BEST You Shut Up Tournament of Champions Extravaganza"! Featuring some of your favorite, and, least favorite NASCAR drivers! Join once, join twice, sign up a friend, bang his chick, bang her boyfriend, JUST $10 (U.S.) and you receive entry to all 10 Races with your team of drivers! Remember "if you aint first...You're Last!" So don't be a loser and Join..."Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

Okay....Race Recap: "Chevy Rock & Roll 400" at Richmond:I had to go "chameleon" on this one. I was watching the UH Warriors (led by Heisman Trophy candidate Colt Brennan) in an overtime thriller with LA Tech on the big TV, and trying to catch some race action with my right eye on the other TV. What my peripheral vision caught was cars "blowed up" and cars "spunnin' out". Juan Pablo was "en fuego" and apparently has a different sponsor than the one he has on the car. When interviewed, it sounded like he said it "wassant" too bad in his "Technco/Habanero" Dodge...which would explain the flames shooting out of it. Carl Edwards looked like he was "sky writing" when his #99 car "blowed up". And Dale Jr., with Elvis on the hood, had a "hunk, a hunk of burnin' junk" when he too "blowed up"! Although, I must say that was a cool paint scheme for Junior. The "King of Rock" on the hood of the "King of Beers". Elvis must have been proud seeing that...he did too! 'Cause you see, I think the King is still alive. The only thing that could've killed him is when Lisa Marie married Michael Jackson, but he lives! Even the word "LIVES" is ELVIS sideways...I also believe there are aliens, more than one shooter in JFK's assassination, Bigfoot, Betty Rubble DOES have a nice ass, and when cavemen farted, it scared them, but made the rest of the clan burst out laughing! But that's all another "square table" discussion. So, Warriors win in OT, Jimmie Johnson won the final race before the "Chase", and the twelve driver field is set for the final 10 races. On to Session 3 and Las Vegas!

Hope to see your entries for the next session. Remember, there will be a scoring delay because of our trip. Attached is the entry form again in case you mis-placed the first email. Also, for money winners, if you want to enter we can deduct the $10 from your winnings. I will mail you your winnings for those I don't see...NO! It will not go to the league pot if it is not picked up! "SMP RACING....the other white meat"

Later,

Scott

Vandelay - "Weak" 1

Well, our fall touch league started today. This is out 7th year in the league (yes, 7 years - in fact, our first game as a team was delayed a week due to 9/11). You'd think we might have something figured out by now. We wound up losing by about 2 TD's. We got straight up spanked. When our QB was a tight 3 for 3 in the first 5 minutes - well, 3 ints on 3+ attempts. Maybe that 'esplains' the problem. We trailed the whole game.

Vicki caught the first girl pass (or as Michelle wants us to refer to them, the "bitches" )of the year for a first down. Nice work. A good snag, especially considering she took the next one in the melon. Now I'll never hear the end of it. Michelle caught our first TD pass of the year. She snagged a 7 pointer at the tail end of the first half to keep us in contention. As usually, our girls are lookin' good so far. It's a great scene. We have 6 women, and they run on in lines like a freaking hockey team, but unlike our opponents, our ladies don't look like the Hansen Brothers from Slapshot.

I had one INT and a couple catches for 1st downs. I'm old and slow. I can't do much out there. They just keep me around to pay the refs fees, I think. We have one new guy, Will, who is faster than anyone in the entire league. Unfortunately, he also can outrun our QB's arm.

All in all, a crappy start to the season. There's always beers ready at the Treehouse, but nothing tastes better than victory. OK, maybe Mitchell's Carmel Fudge Brownie.

Side note: I always like to check out the competition's team names and jerseys. We have a rather catchy team name "Vandelay Industries." We adopted this name while people were still naming themselves after bars and dry cleaners. Sort of a group of trend setters, I guess (I was on a spinoff team when this was adopted, so I cannot take credit). Well, in the past we have seen names like "Kramerica". I guess I should look at it as if they are honoring our team, but in reality, I consider it a weak-ass copy from a bunch of douchebags.

Anyway, today we saw nothing of real class, but Shawn and I did decided that anyone who puts any sort of nickname on the back of their jerseys (t-shirts, they are freaking t-shirts for crying out loud. You are not going to be discovered by an NFL scout in this league - if you are wearing an actual jersey or mesh shirt, please walk into traffic - you are a douche bag) are total douche bags. (Am I using the word douche bag excessively?) In fact, we both agreed that is may as well say "Douche" or "Skank" on their backs. Or, "My doublewide is unlocked, and my infant is alone inside". Any is applicable.

To close, I am watching UofM lose their second game of the season. The "wuss-vermines" are starting to pretend to be injured to get off the field. Manningham, Hart, Henne, all faking injuries. Pussies. My dog had his nuts ripped out last week and he jumped right bask up and was tring to bang Vicki's leg about 10-minutes later. He is more man that the load of those losers in Michigan uniforms. MSU, 2-0, UofM - 0-2. It doesn't get much better, except maybe Vandelay 1-0. Well, 2-3 ain't bad.

FYI - The blogger.com spellcheck corrects douchebag into 2 words. Just thought you'd like to know that.

I'm living the High Life.

SMP Racing Results after Cali

Session 2 Race 14:


1) 729 - Jon
2) 973 - P.Shaffer
3) 982 - Carol
4) 983 - Mike
5) 994 - TBA
6) 1036 - Scott
7) 1068 - Patrick
8) 1069 - Lui
9) 1113 - Tod
10) 1130 - Anthony
11) 1154 - Joe
12) 1167 - Stacey
13) 1227 - Forti
14) 1238 - P. Barrera
15) 1276 - Wayne

Big Jon (57) takes the white flag and just needs to be smooth for one more. Paul Shaffer (84) inches ahead of Carol (110) and Mike Inskeep (82) is holding off TBA (80). What we have here is a nice battle for second! Just 24 points separates these four with only three spots to pay out! So...how the rest of you guys been? Good? Yeah, I know....we suck! There's always Session 3 if you want to try your luck...

Race Recap: California Sharp AQUOS 500

The late great Jackie Robinson broke down the color barrier in baseball whilst wearing #42. Juan Pablo Montoya, a native Colombian, has brought international flair to NASCAR donning the #42 as well. Jackie had 175 hits in his rookie year, harnessing him the "Rookie of the Year" and "MVP" honors for that season. Juan Pablo, in his rookie year, is crushing that statistic! It only took 10 laps before Juan got his first hit of the night Sunday. This one was too easy for him! Carl Edwards was leaving his pit box when the #42 car slammed into him on the way into his own pit box. JPM is on pace to shatter all hits in a season for a rookie, or any driver for that matter. Keep the hits comin' Juan!

Michael Waltrip thought he was part of the "Fantastic Four" in his blue uniform shouting "FLAME ON"! On lap 38, Waltrip burst into flames (and "song & dance") rounding turn 3. Safety crews had a hard time getting the flame out (remember, Michael is 6'5" tall). Once the got the flame out, they were able to put the fire out on the #55 NAPA Toyota. I shit you not, the spotter was asked by the crew chief over the radio of what happened and his response was, "...motor blowed up or sumptin'..." Holy crap! Tony Eury Jr. is giving "hillbonic" lessons to all! Actually it was a blown tire that broke the oil lines. Michael stated afterwards that he and Ricky Rudd got together and blew a tire. I think the fire may have fried something in Michael's brain...he may have been referring to he and Jamie McMurray getting together the night before and blowing something else. Just speculation on my part, I don't know. Flame On!

I missed the beginning of this race and didn't see Stevie Wonder give the "race commands", ironically , Stevie didn't either (sorry, I didn't mean to, but...). When being interviewed later on ESPN, Stevie said it was his first auto race and that he wanted to become a race car driver. When cars were going by in the background, Stevie was saying, "whoa!, look at that!, wow!, look at that!" That gets my "kickass moment of the race" award!

In the end on this hot California night, it was Jimmie Johnson holding off Carl Edwards (thank you JMP "El Douche" for giving the #99 car a new body style earlier in the race) and taking the checkered flag.

"kickass moment of the race" runner-up: I wasn't much of a Dale Jr. fan until recently, when asked about being 128 points out of "The Chase", Junior replied "I don't know. I don't know much about the system, never have, never cared too, I just go out and run as hard as I can..."

Rusty "Yoda" Wallace: I like Rusty, but when did he start talking like Yoda? Some of Rusty's "Yoda-like" comments; "...in the background setting the sun is" and "...through the infield he's spinning Jeff Gordon is!" "May the Force be with you" Rusty "ole #2 douche-kanobi"

Patrick's Survivor Series: I have "brunged" my torch and the tribe has "spoked up"! (thanks Tony Eury...I dun good since you learned me the ways...) Tony Stewart was leading late and hoping for a caution while running low on fuel....and failed! 'Sokay! I didn't need a "turd trophy" from Mack the dog anyways! I've got enough crap piled up here at the studio.

One to Go! Richmond "Chevy Rock & Roll 400" Saturday Night!

Don't forget about Session 3. If we get a lot of entries, I may switch to a "Top 3" for payouts. $10 - 10 races! I already have 2 entries...Tod and "rookie" Cheryl Ford (my favorite older sister). If you have any questions remember to e-mail me. smp-racing@hotmail.com I'll send you an entry form w/rules.

Also, a reminder that Race 1 results will be slightly delayed due to the fact that we will be in Las Vegas to watch "The Greatest Show On Turf"...yes, I can only be referring to...the University of Hawaii Warriors!!! "e'o na toa!" (www.warriorsrespond.com). Colt "the Gunslinger" Brennan will continue his aerial assault on all who dare come before him in the desert night of Las Vegas!

Until next time....Aloha BrotherTruckers!

Scott

Survivor Results after Cal-eh-forn-aye-eh

With just one race left int he session we have 2 dark horses left in the game. Last night, Tony Stewart ran a unremarkable 13th. He was beat this week by both the #5 with a third place finish and Jeff Burton with a 4th place finish. Once again, we have a tight group of survivors, and one guy lagging.

I didn't see much of the race this weekend. Kenny and Jill threw their sort of annual Labor Day Soiree entitled "PigFest." A good turnout and a great time, but it kept me from seeing much of the action. I was removed enough from the race that, at one point, I mistook the spectacular Busch Wreck of the #88 car (Keselowski) for a live wreck in the cup race. Ooops. I'm a dumbass. Jimmy Johnson took the checkered flag. That's about all I know.

Unfortunately, this is the time of year when I start missing races. With PigFest this weekend, the Steelers/Browns game next weekend, and a road trip to Michigan the next, I will be jonzing for some right turns.

I can, however, describe a great sports story from the weekend. One with all the elements of a classic battle of good and evil; a story of a shining competitor and of a past contenders fall from grace; a teeth grinding battle with close calls and great performances. Yep, I'm talking about PigFest beer Pong. What? did you really expect me to comment on the UofM debacle from Saturday? No way. MSU blew out UAB. That was the only important NCAA Football game on Saturday in the State of Michigan.

Nope, I'm here to tell you about our Beer Pong dynasty. I'll try to keep it short since I've already extended this post longer than I intended. basically, Shawn Ross, Myself, and 2 lucky attendees that I don't know (and can barely recall at this point) swept the Beer Pong table last night. I should rephrase that, I kicked ass and the two people with us were OK, but Shawn blew. I don't know if the jello shots were getting to him, or his bad knee was keeping him from performing at 100%, but we played for a good 2 hours and he didn't make a single shot. I, on the other hand was 6 for 9 in the first game, making 5 out of my first 6 shots. I also anchored the second game with 4 draft dunks. We stunk up the show against some Parma-ites, showing that suburb who can handle their balls.

Anyway, The standings going into the last Race at Richmond - best finish between Jeff Burton and Kyle Busch ends the series. Its a battle between my sister and my good friend and NR2003 mentor Curtis. Sorry sis, i have to pull for the #31 next week:

Eliminated Drivers:

Dover - #2 Kurt Busch (Scott Mann)
Charlotte - #16 Greg Biffle (Jon Lommerin)
Pocono - #48 Jimmy Johnson (Jon Lommerin) - ELIMINATED
Michigan - #17 Matt Kenseth (Kenny Ross)
Sonoma - #veintiséis (thats #26 for those of from north of the border) Jamie McMurray (ME)
Louden - #07 Clint Bowyer (Curtis Krakowski)
Daytona - #11 Denny Hamlin (Thornton) - ELIMINATED
Chicago - #70 Johnny Sauter (Steve Shaffer)
Indianapolis - #12 Ryan Newman (Mike Inskeep)
Pocono - #99 Carl Edwards (Kenny Ross) - ELIMINATED
Watkins Glen - #8 Dale Earnhardt Jr. (Steve Shaffer) - ELIMINATED
Michigan - #24 Jeff Gordon (Mike Inskeep) - ELIMINATED
Bristol - #29 Kevin Harvick (Susie Mikesell)
California - #20 Tony Stewart (Scott Mann) - ELIMINATED

Survivors:

#31 (Krakowski)
#5 (Mikesell)